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Quoth the Crows/Transcript
[Andy is walking over to his mailbox. Upon getting to it he sorts through the mail.) Andy: Course, junk, jury duty, democrat nominees, no escape. Jupiter: Hey. (Andy looks and sees Jupiter by the curb.) Jupiter: Wanna play? Andy: That is the most asinine thing I ever heard. A grown man playing with a young child, and weren't you taught to not talk to strangers? This entire block is asinine- Jupiter: I need help! Andy: What? Jupiter: I wanna learn how to draw. My mom and dad are busy and so are my sisters. I want to draw the Thinker and I need a reference. Andy: So... If I do this I'm not obligated to talk to you? Jupiter: Basically. Andy: Come back in five minutes. (Jupiter leaves.) Andy: Can you wear speedos in front of an eleven year old? (intro plays) (it goes to Cave Barn. Mike is talking to Nixon.) Mike: It's like this. The orders go by the numbers. You plug in the numbers they say, these three buttons determine the size they want and these represent the sides and drinks. Plug those in, give them their change depending on how much they give you and the orders are faxed to the cooks in the back. Do that until three-o-clock and you're done. Any questions? Nixon: Any way to cut down on the social aspect? Mike: Oh, you're one of those guys. Look, I get that, I hate talking to people, I didn't even take this up by choice, my dad wouldn't stop bugging me until I got a job. Nixon: I just wanna stay here until my writing career kicks off. Mike: Listen, this day and age, fast food is your only hope for a stable fi-net, provided you're not using it just to get acquainted with the social aspects of the working world. Nixon: I'd sooner move to Iowa and start a metal band than work her for more than a month. Mike: You know, if you hate talking to people so much, there is a position here where you're not obligated to talk to anyone. Nixon: Janitor? Mike: No, trust me, you don't want that. We make the worst toilet in Scotland look like the best toilet in Indianapolis. Nixon: What? Mike: If you become an assistant manager, all you really have to do is sort out employee records and relay info to human resources. Nixon: But I have to earn it, right? Mike: Good boy. Now, you're acquainted with your current position, call me if you need anything. Oh, almost forgot, there's this guy who's asking for extra secret sauce. Don't give it to him, I think he's trying to shut us down. Nixon: So you want me to tell him to leave? Mike: Just say we're out. You have no idea how popular our sauce is. With that said, GET TO WORK! (Mike runs off, Nixon stands by the register. He sees Alison, Colleen and Julie enter the restaurant.) Nixon: Alison eh? This oughta be interesting. Alison: Nixon? In a social environment? Nixon: I need money. Now may I help you? Julie: We'll have three triple cheeseburgers no lettuce and tomato, three large fries and three large colas. Nixon: Fourteen ninety nine. Alison: Seems a little high, how about four ninety nine? Three dollars plus interest. Nixon: How about I don't serve you unless you pay the designated amount? Alison: Fine! Here's your stinking fourteen ninety nine! That's right, I have it down to the cents! You could keep the penny, you didn't even have to give it in the first place! (the three go to their table.) Colleen: Man, what a circumstantial jerk. Alison: Try living with him. Julie: You know him? Alison: He's my cousin. I've been living with him ever since my parents disappeared. You know about that right? (Colleen nods.) Julie: But I don't, what happened? Alison: My dad left before I was born, and my mom left a few years after. Like they vanished without a trace. So I've been living with my aunt and my cousins ever since. Julie: Cousin''s''? (Yorba enters the restaurant, wiping her nose with her arm.) Yorba: Hey Alison! Alison: Hey Yorba. Colleen: Yorba what? Alison: Oh you wanna know. My aunt's a huge Nixon fan. She named him after the first part of the area Nixon grew up in, and that jerk we talked to, well, he's called Nixon. Julie: Where's the nearest Watergate? (Yorba goes up to order but is shoved away by a man,) Yorba: Excuse you! Sal: I'd like a burger with extra secret sauce please. Nixon: We're all out. Sal: Can't you check? Nixon: The sauce is in packets, the packets are given out by the cashiers, we have no more secret sauce, get lost before you wind up lost. Sal: I'll be back. Nixon: I take it you have little of a life if sauce is your prime focus. Yorba: Hey Nixon, why're you being so rude to that guy? Nixon: Boss' orders. Yorba: Who would order you to be mean to customers? Nobody likes a mean cashier. Alison: I could vouch for that. Nixon: You don't understand. Yorba: Don't dodge the subject. Nixon: See? You're proving my point. Yorba: You don't get it, I get that you don't want to talk to people but you don't have to shoot them down so hard. Nixon: Why? Is it on the offchance everyone's like you? A pushover who wants to see the best in everything while defying the fact that they're also goth, which is also a reflection on their refusal to get to know people? Yorba: I... I like the style. Nixon: You're pathetic. Yorba: You're a louse. Nixon: Yeah, I'm a louse alright, better than being an idiot who breaks into conversation without any thought, why don't you go bug a homeless guy before retreating back to your stupid comic books and your stupid sci-fi junk, stupid. Yorba: Stupid!? The way you're treating me is stupid! Your lifestyle's stupid, at least I didn't forget how to treat people decently! (Yorba runs off crying) Alison: What's your problem? Nixon: Don't tell me you're taking her side. Alison: That's not the point, you didn't have to rain down so hard on her. Nixon: I wasn't trying to make her upset, I got caught in the moment. Alison: Whatever, I'm telling Aunt Amber when this is over. Nixon: Make sure you tell her about the spider ranch in the basement. Alison: Well to heck with you! Nixon: Oh by the way, your meals are ready. (Nixon hands them their food.) Alison: Thanks, but you're still a turd head. (Alison, Colleen and Julie go to their table.) Julie: You sure you're related to that guy? Alison: Who does he think he is? Darn emos, they should be sent to the battlefield. Colleen: Sounds like a solid yes. (Sal comes up to the counter again.) Sal: May I have a burger with secret sauce please? Nixon: We don't get restocked within five minutes. I'd say come back but, you know what I'll just leave it off here. Sal: Hmph. (Sal passes Autumn and Martha.) Autumn: You're a sick man! Martha: This is a public place! (it goes to Adelaide, Mercury, Artemis , Denise and Nicole, sitting in front of a coffee shop.) Mercury: I'm thinking about dying my hair blonde, think it'll look good on me? Artemis: You must have little faith in yourself. If you're beautiful, you wouldn't ever want to change yourself. Denise: That's why you're the one for me. (the four look at her.) Denise: To... agree with on that statement. Nicole: Should've called sick. Artemis: You want a refill? Nicole: Get me a soda, and don't skimp on the ice. Artemis *faux Jamaican accent*: Very good ma'am, would you like a squirt of lemon with it? Nicole: No, not anymore at least. (Yorba approaches them crying.) Adelaide: Yorba, what's the matter? Yorba: I'm having the worst day of my life! Nicole: Yeah okay I'm leaving- Yorba: PLANT IT! Nicole: Okay! Yorba: I've been flustered by my own blood. Artemis: Excuse me? Yorba: I've been decimated from the inside. Denise: Come again? Yorba: My brother called me stupid! All I did was ask why he was so hard on someone and he treated me as if I knew what he knew! Artemis: Oh Yorba... Nicole: Wait, is this about that guy talking about sauce? Denise: He sounds like a creep. Yorba: I didn't see. (Adelaide has a seizure.) Artemis: Please tell me it's just another vision. (Adelaide gets back up.) Adelaide: Danger! Miscommunication! Tantrum! Destiny! Mom's leaving me in charge of dinner tonight! Artemis: Okay then. Mercury: It's obvious that Nixon's trying to hide his own fault. Let's teach him a lesson. Yorba: I'm down with that. Denise: Let's hope Nixon had time to think about what he has done. (Back to Nixon.) Nixon: For the last time, you two need to leave! Martha: You can't make us leave! We're paying customers! Autumn: Yeah, be grateful there're people who're willing to eat this crap. Nixon: You've been here since two in the morning, you've only ordered four times and spent the rest of the time loitering, you've wasted all of our junior placemats and you've been hogging the radio. Martha: You don't like Zero 7? You oughta be ashamed young man. Nixon: People come here to eat, not feel like they're with their mom shopping for clothes. Autumn: Come back to us when you have a spouse you're unhappy with. Nixon: Alright you could stay an hour longer, but don't play the same songs again, I swear if I have to hear destiny one more time I'm going to stick my head in the deep fryer. (Nixon leaves.) Autumn: Pssh, emos. (Alison, Colleen and Julie approach them.) Alison: Hello Ms.' Dunning and Loffton. Autumn: Hey yourself. Martha: What is it? Alison: I see you've talked to Nixon. Autumn: You mean that rude boy with poor taste in music? Alison: I'd say the goth with a chip on his shoulder, but whatever I guess. Martha: Don't try and justify his behavior. Alison: I'm not, I'm just looking for advice. Autumn: Alison, we've entered bad relationships on our own volition and we're practically spending our days on the run, not to mention we have kids we barely see because of it. We're the worst possible people you could ask for advice. Alison: I mean like, how to get back at him. Just want to give him a little push to make him ease up on his rotten 'tude. Martha: Do to him what the media did to Woody Allen. Alison: Marry my cousin? Autumn: Get serious! We were thinking of a smear campaign. Alison: Nah, too complicated, he'd probably flee to Mexico anyways. Martha: Why not just get him fired? He'd have no choice but to face his friends and family head on? Alison: I suppose. Autumn: We'd be happy to help, or at the very least not tell your parents, but you need to do something for us. Alison: What? Autumn: Keep the management off our back. Our husbands want to take us dancing and we've been hiding out since. This is the only place they wouldn't think to look. Colleen: You mean you didn't drive here? Martha: We took a taxi, why would we need to explain something like that? Alison: Sounds like some pointless busy work. Martha: We'll buy you a burger. Alison: Done. ---- Martha: Hey Autumn, what did you put for the last question? Autumn: C, change your last name and move to Greenland. Martha: Works for me. I'm gonna get us some more coffee and those placemats with the crossword puzzles on them. Autumn: Don't you think we should be heading home now? We're pushing twelve hours now, we'd be better off with our husbands than at some dinky fast-food joint. (Martha looks at her.) Autumn: You're right. They could do without us.